Case in point: Last week, shortly after having forgotten a close friend's birthday, I was changing S.'s diaper when I started rapping about a facial cleansing product not seen on drugstore shelves since 1994. "We got do's, we got don'ts," I told S. "Things we'll use, things we won't. To wash this face it's widely known, use Oxy's new Residon't."
I then became obsessed with finding that commercial on YouTube. And along the way I found many more hilariously ill-conceived rap ads (some of which also appear in this post from Laser Time, which I unabashedly aspire to imitate) that would make Don Draper doff his scrunch socks and gold medallions and leap from his window at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce just like in the credits.
Rappin' Rockin' Barbie
As far as word association goes, when I say "Barbie," you probably don't say "street!" or "video ho!" But yo, she is both. And I would be lying to myself and to you if I said I did not still sweat the middle girl's hat, weird cross-boob suspenders, and sweet dance moves.
Illest lyrics: This Barbie's cool from her head to her toes/'Cause she's got the most happening' clothes!
Fruity Pebbles
When cartoon cavemen start spitting rhymes about a self-described "fruity" breakfast cereal, something in the zeitgeist has gone horribly--but also kind of awesomely--awry.
Illest lyrics: I'm the master rapper and I'm here to say/I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way
Pringles
Oh, dudes. This one is the best, and by best I meant worst. Like awful, please-Mayans-end-it-now worst, but not before I eat some Pringles, because yo, those pop cans are dope. P.S. I heard the David Arquette-Gerardo love child homey just called Kanye West and asked for his glasses back. OH SNAP.
Illest lyrics: Chips in bags got busted pieces/Brings you down with all their greases
McDonald's/Chicken McNuggets
I know I should be asking myself, Is this racist? But instead, I am asking, Why do Chicken Nuggets all have crossed eyes? And also, how do they put shirts on if they have no arms?
Illest lyrics: We like this rap/It really rocks/But we'd rather jump/In the barbecue sauce!
Reynold's Wrap
This is genius. I mean, WRAP. RAP. UMA. OPRAH. It's what we call a "no-brainer." (Which is more than I can say for these lyrics, which clearly took someone at least 3 minutes to write.)
Illest lyrics: Takes the cold/Takes the heat/From casseroles/To dinner meat
Pepsi
This one doesn't have any original rapping, but it is awesome and I totally remember watching this on real TV.
This one doesn't have any original rapping, but it is awesome and I totally remember watching this on real TV.
Illest lyrics: N/A. But the "Proper!" at the end is pretty sweet.
Side note: Um. He also did spots for Taco Bell and KFC. You will not be sorry if you watch them. Especially when he literally parachutes to Taco Bell with his gold Hammer pants.
Oxy Residon't (fast-forward to 7:38)
Thanks to some Facebook crowdsourcing, I finally found my holy acne rap grail. It's buried in this amazing time capsule of a YouTube video. I highly recommend cracking a Zima and watching the whole thing.
Anyway, Residon't, I think we can agree, is basically the worst name for a consumer product of all time. But damn if this commercial didn't win me over with its lip-synching crimp-haired girls in Blossom hats and its Ryder Strong lookalike leading man, all floppy bangs and bedroom eyes. No zits, though. Because those shits got OXYCUTED. Truth.
Illest lyrics: Residue is a don't/That soapy goo/That oily film/That stuff's taboo
Kris Kross for Sprite (eternal gratitude to Mandy for remembering this one)
What's better than a refreshing lemon-lime carbonated beverage? Two tween rappers wearing their own branded sweatshirts and dancing on what looks like a construction site at a house party and making the tag line "I like the Sprite in you" sound like a phrase that requires a fist bump.
Illest lyrics: Understand the Kross Kris/Drinks the crazy, crazy twist of unexpectedness/That you should never miss
Polly-O String Cheese (RECREATION)
Okay, so once upon a time there was a Polly-O String Cheese commercial with a rapping parrot. You will have to take my word for this, as I could not find it on YouTube, no matter what embarrassing word searches I tried. So I decided to perform it for you, because it needs to be heard.
Picture me in a gold chain and backwards baseball cap. Also, I'm a parrot. And I am really passionate about individually packaged cheese phalluses. Ready? Okay:
Picture me in a gold chain and backwards baseball cap. Also, I'm a parrot. And I am really passionate about individually packaged cheese phalluses. Ready? Okay:
Illest lyrics: SO MANY. But if forced to choose:
In the dairy section there's a snack that's chillin/For all us homeboys to taste what's illin'
Aaaaaaand I think we're done here.
That's a rap, folks.
(Now picture me in metallic parachute pants being dragged off a stage by an old-timey cane.)
