Tuesday, January 20, 2015

National Lampoon's Puerto Rican Vacation

So I'm going on vacation tomorrow. We all are, but it's really Jeff's vacation--because fall is his busiest season, by the time Christmas rolls around he's like 68% dead inside and at least 89% dead outside, so for the past two years he's combatted Seasonal Affective Disorder by throwing his Amex at the tropics--but he's been kind enough to invite me and Sam along. What a sucker.

See, it's a proven fact (by Jeff) that I ruin all vacations by picking fights on the first night. This was true when we went to Paris in 2005, for reasons that I have since repressed, as well as on our honeymoon in 2007, when I became so irrationally angry at not being able to speak any sort of semi-coherent Italian to our waiter that Jeff had an actual panic attack.

I also attempted to make tomato sauce from scratch, which ended so horribly Jeff continues to mock me about it to this day, but he has yet to seek an annulment so you tell me.

It is also a proven fact that our child, while undisputedly the light of our lives and mostly sweet and charming (note: mostly could mean anywhere from 10% to 90%, as he is currently three years old, which as it turns out is way more terrible than two, but I guess whatever genius came up with that phrase [sub-note: genius in this context means "asshole"] must have been too ashamed to modify it once she realized her mistake), ruins vacations by preventing us from relaxing during every moment that he remains conscious.

I swear I'm not trying to complain about going to the beach in January (except for the obvious re-shuffling of Bikini Season to follow directly after the Eggnog Equinox, which seems patently unfair), but it must be said that a vacation with a child or children no longer conforms to the definition of the word as you previously understood it. Kind of like "sleep" or "abdominals."

So.

While I'm going into this next week with expectations and low as my tolerance for rum-based cocktails and direct sun exposure, I'm eternally grateful to the brave man who is taking his Terrible Three and Temperamental Thirty-Four--a.k.a his permanent carry-on baggage--on a holiday.

THANK YOU, HONEY. I promise not to attempt any Spanish or so much as *touch* a vegetable. Maybe ever.
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Friday, January 16, 2015

An Ode to Funny Women (or, My Fey-kspearean Sonnet)

Shall I compare thee to a Tina Fey?
Thou art quite funny, though not as talented.
Or perhaps you’d rather I say Mindy K.?
Whose one-liners reflect your lowbrow taste...
Miss Dunham’s brilliance seems unfair,
And makes you hit the wine a little hard;
Amy P.'s the queen of guts and flair
That Emmy voters cannot disregard!
But thy eternal Tina shall not Fey-d,
(That pun’s a stretch, but cut a girl some slack.)
Nor shall your tweets make people throw you shade,
Even when of your book deals thou dost yak.
So long as peeps can read, or T can V,
So long live women who write great comedy.
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Thursday, January 1, 2015

Stop Trying to Make New Year's Happen! It's Not Going to Happen!

Ah, New Year's. So full of hype designed to make us ring in midnight feeling strangely empty despite the gallon of cheap champagne we have literally just consumed through a spangled funnel.

I've always felt that in using New Year's Eve as an excuse to stay up late binge-drinking, we as a species are setting ourselves up for feeling bloated and cranky on every single January first, which is kind of like spelling your name wrong on the first page of the SATs. It just... doesn't bode well.

I tried to get Decembuary 0 to happen for awhile, but now I think I'm just going to start the new year on January 2nd, after I've digested the fifteen brunch bagels I used as my inaugural 2015 meal. And I urge all of you to do the same.

New year starts tomorrow. Fuck this noise.

Love,
Una



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